Poem,

Gram said to me, "If you let it
sin will carry you away
like the river when its high."

One Thursday, while the old woman
thought I saw cartoons behind my eyelids
I took off my socks
climbed down my rocks
stood up to my shorts

I stood, and fought the pull

Gram was wise enough to fear
the bend in the river
and the loss of balance.
But if she can't tell me where I'll land,
I can't take her advice.

Hm,

I never imagined myself to be someone to over react in this way. But if I'm honest I never imagined I would be at all like I am. I imagined I would have some sort of plan at least. I imagined I would age gracefully and with witticisms galore!

Edna St. Vincent Millay seems to always find me at midnight with her wisdom,

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply;
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands a lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet know its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone;
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.

They are the wild hair and wicked eyes in each other's lives.

I don't want to leave again

I thought I would be used to these feelings by now.

But it really is true. There is a balance for everything in life. As the good in your life grows, so does the bad. Not necessarily in a "I smiled, and so I stubbed my toe" kind of fashion. Its much more subtle and elegant than that. Its one of the things that I have learned and awed over. A fact so delicate that I am afraid even looking too closely will shatter it to bits.

When I am here, I can breathe. I can look around me and I can love. I can feel unknown echoes sing every time I step out of my house.

But as I have learned those things, and realized how much I can love about here I am being increasingly terrified of losing it. I'm terrified other people don't know how to value it and they will toss it aside. Let it become a part of their past and not dedicate it to their future. I am terrified of people leaving.

I am not like people who say they have faith in the future. How can I?

My present is bright. My present is full of everything I ever wanted, minus one major exception.

LIES,

Or, Notes from an Old Roommate to a New Roommate,

So Kat, this is one of the few reasons you will absolutely love living with Lindsay, you know her excellent music choices. I'm going to enlighten you on a few of the other things you need to know before the semester starts.

1. Say goodbye to your money, because you are now going to expected to buy her anything she might need. Now this includes coffee at all times of the day and food, mostly late at night.
2. You have to pick out what she's going to wear. Don't really concern yourself over what you pick, because she'll just wind up wearing something else, but be aware she is going to yell at you that THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
3. Going to bed is a big routine. Make sure she doesn't lose any of her pillows and for the love of God DON'T TOUCH HER BUNNY.
4. The last week of the semester is going to be difficult, seeing as she will have to do all of her papers from the semester. Don't expect to get any sleep.
5. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LET HER HUG YOU ON THE STAIRS. It will inevitably lead to a broken nose.
6. On a related note, she needs help doing her laundry. You'll have to go with her and stand there and entertain her on the long trip to the laundry room and back.

Now there are many more things you will learn. But basically, just keep her fed and leave her bunny alone and you will probably survive the semester. And really, good luck with her. If you have any problems, just email me and I'll fix it for you.

I return this evening,

I drank sangria with my aunt and laughed about leering adults. I watched an old movie with a family member who is also a best friend. I laughed, and somehow unleashed a dam and let the crap flow through my head and out my mouth.

I came home, I tied my hair up, and I came down stairs. In the far corner of my room I found a surprise. Not a bad surprise and not a good surprise. Just something there in my room that hadn't been there before. I found a new lamp, poised and ready to be lit. It's stance said to me, "Hello madam, shall I ignite and wait for you to come hither with your latest literary endeavor? I can do wonderful things from that angle."

It somehow brightened the orange of my walls.
It made my mess seem less messy and more charming.

I like this lamp.

What to work on?

Stephen King told me that he likes to write about childhood and the healing power of the human imagination. I like this about Stephen King. I like that he was able to write multiple respectful articles about the Harry Potter books because he valued them for what they were. He didn't glorify them for being outstanding works of literature first, he glorified them for reminding people what it is they open new books for. The everlasting hope for the next great story.

The way Stephen King likes to write about imagination is the way I like to write about certain things as well. I like to write about summer, for instance. I like capture moments in the sun. I suppose there are certain winter scenes I like to capture as well. I like writing about Christmas trees, and I like writing about snow falls. But for me the magic ends once the snow is on the ground. Once everything is entombed I lose interest. I suppose its because then all I can do is think about the summer that is still so far away.

I like the slow pace that summer holds, but I dislike the same thing about winter. In the moments we pause in winter I feel we are empty. We are empty and searching to be filled up, but we're not sure anything could ever provide us with what we need. In summer we don't know if we will ever move forward and we are okay with that. In winter we don't know if we will ever move forward and we despair.

Because of these feelings I do things to provide joy in my life during the winter. I drove in a car with the top down in thirteen degree weather. I thought, "this is fun." I ran around a house in fourteen inches of snow in my bare feet on New Years Eve. I thought, "this is fun." If I can string together enough fun moments in winter, perhaps one day I will write about winter in the same way I write about summer. Perhaps the scenes which take place in hats and scarves will carry more magic than one ever finds in scenes of loneliness and yearning. These scenes always lead up to joyful meetings and overwhelming revelations, but those are always highlighted by sunlight.

I want to work on this in the months ahead.

"Resolutions"

The most sure fire way for me to guarantee I won't do something is to make it mandatory, which is why I don't like New Years Resolutions. Its impossible to say you want to lose weight, when your house is full of Christmas snacks. Its impossible to say you want to do well in school when school is still eleven days away.

I can say this - From here on out I want to wake up every morning and think about what I have to be thankful for. (Though I complain, I have more to be thankful for then grouch about).

Last night, I sat in the snow on a hill in New Hampshire. I stepped out onto a lake and believed for a few seconds that it would crack beneath my feet. I flew in the dark towards a snow bank and closed my eyes and let the impact come.

I can say this - I want to be willing to say, I will try that.