A year, and some other undetermined length of time ago when I was living in a different part of the world, I woke up early. I woke up in the dark and got dressed in the dark and then I got on a train to another place I had never gone.

I drank hot coffee that left a singed spot on my tongue. I drifted in and out of sleep while some walls flashed by my windows. I ate yogurt out of a ceramic bowl and drank more coffee until my hands refused to sit still in my lap. Then, the sun rose.

The sun rose and I pulled out my camera and recorded France flashing by. I hunched my shoulders and tried to hide from the eyes of my fellow passengers, humbly self-conscious of stealing these images.

This morning I watched these videos again. France flashed my on my computer screen. Life is funny.

The Key to My Success,

I realized, sometime last week or sometime in the middle of the night when most realizations come, that if anyone were to ask me, "How do I DO college" the advice I would give would not be what I would expect.

It would have nothing to do with study habits. It would have nothing to do with learning to live with someone. It would not apply to finding the library or sucking up to your professors. It would, in fact have nothing to do with anything exclusive to college.

It would be - find a way to get free coffee. Exploit that as often as possible.

I miss sunshine.

If I wanted to run away right now, I would run away someplace where it never stops being summer. I would run until I hit the ocean. I would lay down in the sand and roll myself until I resembled a chicken cutlet.

This is my idea of paradise. This is my idea of retreat.

Right now I am going to go upstairs and I am going to lay in the dark and play music that reminds me of summertime. I am going to keep my eyes closed long enough that I can forget where I am and hopefully believe completely for a few seconds that I am in my sun soaked paradise.

Then, I will exhale. I will open my eyes. I will hopefully have satiated this desire.

I'm a little bit worried.

This worry isn't like my always present worry. The worry that never leaves me. The worry that tells me each and every moment what could (and probably will) go wrong. That worry has a very specific flavor that I have had to recognize and understand isn't leaving.

This worry is something new. Its the more fleeting kind of worry specifically tied to an event or state of mind.

I'm worried because I have so much. When I look at my life I'm crippled by how thankful I am for everything I have. The repeated mantra of my prayers has been an unending stream of thanks. I'm worried because I feel like my life has reached a crossroads. The point right before the climax of the novel that says, "And then our heroine saw that she had all she ever wanted."

I'm worried because some part of me knows a narrator is saying in some dimension I cannot perceive, "Little did she know..."