I want to memorize this,

and never forget that this is what summer sings to me from the future:

Oh well I look at you and say
It's the happiest that I've ever been
And I'll say I no longer feel I have to be James Dean
And she'll say
Yeah well I feel all pretty happy too
And I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you

And it'll be
Love love love
All through our bodies
And love love love
All through our minds
And it be Love love love
All over her face
And Love love love
All over mine

Tyler Durden, out-raged, said that his generation was lied to. They were told they would all grow up to be rock stars and millionaires. They were pissed off.

That is not the lie I was told to believe. I was told to believe in happily-ever-after. I am not pissed off. I am disappointed.

I found something I like about winter today,

I was riding in the back seat of a car and we didn't have any music. I was able to slump down and rest my forehead against the glass as we crested and descended hill after hill on our way home tonight. The glass was cold and it made me think of how long it will take for me to forget the way winter feels in your bones. I want it to melt away and I want to feel warm again.

But I was watching the sun set as the horizon morphed and changed. There was the strange grey film that always appears at night here. The lines on the road seemed to glow in the dark, and I could see the trees a few miles away. They were black and spindly against the reds and yellows of the sky which shocked me with its intensity. I could see them standing tall and firm reaching for the sky.

Suddenly in that moment I had the feeling I always have at camp. Or the feeling I had in London. The feeling that I would always like to stay here. Being here in western New York with the sun setting and the weather being surprisingly warm. With the trees reminding me that I should always be trying to be a little closer to God. I wouldn't have seen those trees if there had been leaves on them.

That is my post about winter.

I'm okay with waiting it out.

Also side note on how I am building up faith in myself as capable of functioning on my own.

Some days I cook for myself. NO SERIOUSLY.

There's about five things I can make and at least three of them involve eggs as the sole ingredient. So when I decide its too cold/wet/dark to walk up to campus for dinner I'm usually all about Chef Boyardee. Because its rarely any good but at least when I'm eating it I know why it's not very good. It's because its Chef Boyardee. Not because I screwed up a recipe.

But today, you know with the rain and everything, I looked at that can of Chef Boyardee and I was like, no. This shan't go on. I am hungry, and it is not for you.

So I decided I was going to cook for myself. And it was easy, it was cous cous. But you know what, I was sprinkling olive oil like I'd been doing it for YEARS. And then I was like, you know what would be good in this? BASIL. So I threw some basil in there.

(Oh, but I didn't buy that basil. I'm not that gourmet.)

And then all my housemates when to the gym and I had the whole house to myself. So I stretched out like some kind of feline women and felt so good about my home made dinner that I washed my dishes. By hand, like a person who has never owned a dishwasher.

And then I patted myself on the back and was like, "Congratualtions, you conquered winter."

Rain,

It's a Sunday and its raining. It's raining because today it is not cold enough to snow. Because it is raining and not cold enough to snow the bravest blades of grass have decided to take a leap of faith. They are poking their heads above ground. And we know that in a few more days the sun will drift farther away and more snow will come, but those blades of grass will die with honor.

We sit inside and allow ourselves to be illuminated by the television screen. We drink black coffee. We fill pages with things we are told are important. We will not remember them in a few months when the sunlight bleaches our memories of this winter.

Then she decided to stop dwelling on whether or not his feet knew they had almost touched hers under the table.

It's just one of those simple sad facts of life. That you can study the angles of bodies that people who adore each other will frequent, and yet nothing can ever be known for sure.

Especially not things concerned the emotions "like" and "dislike". Because we as people are too fickle to understand what we want, and too idealistic to see ourselves as fickle.

Plus there is the fact that you will almost always be the exception to any rule you decide to subscribe to.

Thought - this here record of mine has been in existence now for about a year. More or less.
More or less I'm dealing with the same crap now as I was then.
Primarily because I hold onto things. I don't give up on hopeless situations.
I am still, tragically, a "fixer".
I cannot walk away from a problem if I feel that I can do something to change it.

But there is so little growth in that. Lately a friend of mine has called me a sunflower because I pause on the path between buildings and stare as close to the sun as I can. Because its warm and bright which are two adjectives no one would use to describe western New York in the winter.

I need to start letting go. I need to start accepting the things I cannot change, but mostly I need to understand that the fact that some things don't change doesn't mean I did something wrong. It just means that's the way its supposed to be.

I need to starts accepting and then taking a breath and staring into the sun.

On Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday I made THIS,

Friday morning,

The state of my head today is distressed.

I've woken up each day this week with a sharp and unrelenting headache directly behind my eyes. My mountain of work keeps growing and it takes more and more effort to get myself out of bed to sit and WRITE or READ or STUDY.

This week is the week that separates the STUDENTS from the PUPILS or something equally inspiring. Its kind of disappointing that I can feel guilty about pausing for a half hour to watch my favorite TV show or celebrate a birthday.

And this head ache just won't go away.