On Highschool

I don't always like to think about high school. High school was kind of strange, and I've definitely hit my stride in college. But there were times back then when I really loved my school. Thats not something I ever thought I would say, since I socialized with exactly .001% of the student body.

Today I went back to my high school. I really haven't gone back very much, and every time I do it feels more and more foreign to me. It was cold for May, and there was rain coming down. "Its like we're living in a cloud," my other half said. Nevertheless, we stayed and watched a game of lacrosse and smiled because we loved it. As we approached the sidelines the faces that recognized us were few and far between. Next year they will all be gone.

We stole keys. We snuck into an office we used to hide in while we cut classes. We climbed on a desk and looked around at the yellowing articles on the walls. Our names are painted on the ceiling. The articles telling about our victories are old and no longer exciting.

While we grin to each other, we are thinking, are we old and no longer exciting?

We used to be the shining stars of this office, and now we are nothing but a memory. Nothing but stories that get told on long bus rides. We used to have fun here, we met each other here. But here is no longer a place for us.

I've been struggling lately with what my place is. When I used to run up and down the lacrosse field I felt like I knew where I belonged. I haven't had that feeling for a long time, possibly since high school.

As we rolled up the sweatpants we were going to take, purple the color I suspect our blood still flows, our old coach smiled at us.
"You still have our pictures on the walls," I noted as we walked by him.
"You two are never coming down," he answered.

Michael Scott taught me that sometimes today is about having today.

Moulin Rouge tried to teach me that the greatest thing you can learn is to love and be loved in return. To which I say, what Moulin Rouge, is it not enough just to love?

I don't know the answer to my own question unfortunately.

I don't like writing in riddles, but I need to say that today is about having today. Its about doing what I can right now. Its about filling the role that I'm in, not shoving my way into one I'm not invited to.

Its about being the friend because I need to be. Unfortunately.

I have been home one week and four days.

Home.
I've spent a lot of time eating pizza. Sometimes more than once a day.
I've ingested a lot of sugary frozen water.
I have stayed up late.
I have woken up early and watched my brother.
I have tried to find a job.
I have talked on the phone.
I have driven around with my music too loud.
I bought a new pair of sunglasses.

I am happy. Happy is the word I would like to use to describe this emotion.
The problem is, I am also anxious.
Anxious for what I really couldn't say.

I am almost too happy. This happy feels temporary.
And now, I am going to make a silly allusion. An allusion to a blockbuster film that many of my friends have not seen.

In Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Peter says to Rachel that it is good they were hurt so badly.
Now, they have nothing left to fear.
They have already experienced the worst.

I have not experienced the worst. I have much left to fear.
I don't know why, but these are the thoughts in my head as the sun warms my island.
These are the thoughts I choose to ponder while clocks tick everywhere.

How am I ever going to return to school in the fall?

What is the likelihood,

that two girls, both around the same height and of the same hair color pursuasion...

would both leave their houses, without talking about it, in jeans, a white T-shirt, and a sweater vest...

on the same night...

with their hair the same way...

and then proceed to island romp?

Cousin- MOM, can you take a picture of me and my favorite cousin?
Aunt- You two will never get married, because no one will ever love you as much as each other.

This morning,

(was it really only this morning)
I woke up too early. My things were already packed away in the car.
I rolled over and into clothes.
I hugged a lot of people goodbye.

I hugged people goodbye that I may never see again. People who have played a major role in shaping me and my life the past three years.
They don't warn you about that when you apply to college. That eventually college has to end. That nobody stays in college for the rest of their lives.

Even though this wasn't the end for me, it was for so many people. Tomorrow morning they will put on caps and gowns and do the graduation thing. They will remember everything about their four years at our rural institution fondly.

They never tell you not to make friends with the class above you. When they leave, you might not have many friends left.

Today was interesting. I put on orange sneakers and walked up to campus. I sat in a class where I clearly don't understand anything, but handed in the final paper anyway. I filled a mailbox with Cheez-its and was then completely unsuccessful at covering it up.

I tossed a Frisbee and then caught a glimpse of a running dear between the trees. Things are weird.

There is a bike behind some of the townhouses. As far as I know, its been there since before the snow came. Everywhere on this campus there is life springing into action, and for the most part it is causing my throat to itch and my head to ache. I do know that I would like to take pictures of that bike though.

Summer's coming. I know it because my bones don't protest as much to stirring and climbing out of bed in the morning. I want to smell like chlorine again. I want to roll myself in sand like a chicken cutlet. I want to be with my blondes. I know that sounds cliche, but its what I want. I want to relax into being a kid for a few months and let my parents feed me. I want to drive the family car to work everyday. I want to have sleep-overs and watch my brother.

I want someone to explain the world to me through rules and be looking out for my well-being. I am seriously not grown up enough to start pondering adulthood.