Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Song in my Head, on repeat,
I go to the rock of my salvation
I go to the stone that the builders rejected
I go to the mountain and the mountain stands for me
When all the earth is sinking sand
On Christ's solid rock I stand
When I need a shelter, when I need a friend
I go to the rock
I go to the stone that the builders rejected
I go to the mountain and the mountain stands for me
When all the earth is sinking sand
On Christ's solid rock I stand
When I need a shelter, when I need a friend
I go to the rock
Monday, February 23, 2009
Thoughts I Might Regret Posting,
My sister just sent me a message that said - "Your denial of true love disgusts me."
My sister, MY sister, my SISTER who for as long as I can remember has scoffed behind her hands at all of my imaginative fantasies and hopes for the future.
Its not as if I'm not reminded of it everywhere. All of it, the big huge EVERYTHING I try not to think about and try to ignore because its better for me. Healthier for me. Its good that I can find this safe ground of 'healthy' when I tend to get myself hurt. But am I finding the wrong place to finally set down my tent even if it may be the safer area?
Movies. Books. Television shows. Harry and Sally. Mia and Michael. Ross and Rachel.
Holy crap.
My sister, MY sister, my SISTER who for as long as I can remember has scoffed behind her hands at all of my imaginative fantasies and hopes for the future.
Its not as if I'm not reminded of it everywhere. All of it, the big huge EVERYTHING I try not to think about and try to ignore because its better for me. Healthier for me. Its good that I can find this safe ground of 'healthy' when I tend to get myself hurt. But am I finding the wrong place to finally set down my tent even if it may be the safer area?
Movies. Books. Television shows. Harry and Sally. Mia and Michael. Ross and Rachel.
Holy crap.
Its been a very long Monday,
I am feeling so restless. It's probably because I don't have any strong ties right now. Or maybe its because I have been so 'wanderful' over the past year and I can't exactly climax back to the way life once was.
The island has been interesting. As always I am shocked by how much I actually love being here. But it hasn't been as deep and tingly as it usually is. The island has been like an old shirt I missed while I was at school. I love so many things like the fact that "the island" sounds so wonderful on my tongue.
Its been a comfort because lately the future has been this huge oppressive enemy that marches on without any sense of compassion. But the island is always here, and the island will always be home. Its been good that no one is around to keep me company. Because one day, as we all follow the different paths we have, there may not be anyone around to keep me company.
A friend of mine said recently that it is a distinctly beautiful luxury to drive around in your own car and listen to your own music and be completely indulgently yourself.
The island will always allow me to do this. I don't need anyone in my car with me to do this. On the streets that I know. Plus, summer will always be coming, and with summer comes the heavy air that your air conditioner whines to cool and the crickets that sing to our souls in August.
I'm not even saying that the island is where my path will eventually take me, in fact I'd place bets that it won't. But my path can always intersect it, and it will always carry with it that which I can't find anywhere else.
I guess the point is, I didn't find comfort for my future in my present like I thought I would. I found it in my past.
The island has been interesting. As always I am shocked by how much I actually love being here. But it hasn't been as deep and tingly as it usually is. The island has been like an old shirt I missed while I was at school. I love so many things like the fact that "the island" sounds so wonderful on my tongue.
Its been a comfort because lately the future has been this huge oppressive enemy that marches on without any sense of compassion. But the island is always here, and the island will always be home. Its been good that no one is around to keep me company. Because one day, as we all follow the different paths we have, there may not be anyone around to keep me company.
A friend of mine said recently that it is a distinctly beautiful luxury to drive around in your own car and listen to your own music and be completely indulgently yourself.
The island will always allow me to do this. I don't need anyone in my car with me to do this. On the streets that I know. Plus, summer will always be coming, and with summer comes the heavy air that your air conditioner whines to cool and the crickets that sing to our souls in August.
I'm not even saying that the island is where my path will eventually take me, in fact I'd place bets that it won't. But my path can always intersect it, and it will always carry with it that which I can't find anywhere else.
I guess the point is, I didn't find comfort for my future in my present like I thought I would. I found it in my past.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
The Love I do Have,
I can try to forget
how you once fit into my elbow. Falling
forward
until you’re caught.
It's good that you exist , because
you’re mess is constantly
under my feet, you ride your
bicycle in my sleep, forever
growing with ankles exposed,
and bearing some dirt on the
tip of your nose.
(Yeah, I wrote that.)
February the Fourteenth,
I know that the idea for this day is to remember all of the love you do have.
I don't like that all it really does is remind us of all the love we don't. I told a friend yesterday that "Jesus is my boyfriend" theology is the most effective way to reach adolescent girls because romantic love is the most important gap in their lives, and I was horrified to realize its true. (This is a mark of how half the time I say things I really do mean and don't even realize.)
Because the facts are these - I love that I wear sweatpants until 4 o'clock every Saturday. I love that sometimes I would rather sit in my room listening to music and reading books then spending time with other people. I love that I can laugh at my own jokes. I love that I love so many people. I love that Sundays are important to me. I love that my best friend is four years old.
I love these things. Its taken me 21 years to do. I shouldn't mourn the fact that no one else loves those things as much as I think they should.
And that's why I don't like Valentine's Day.
I don't like that all it really does is remind us of all the love we don't. I told a friend yesterday that "Jesus is my boyfriend" theology is the most effective way to reach adolescent girls because romantic love is the most important gap in their lives, and I was horrified to realize its true. (This is a mark of how half the time I say things I really do mean and don't even realize.)
Because the facts are these - I love that I wear sweatpants until 4 o'clock every Saturday. I love that sometimes I would rather sit in my room listening to music and reading books then spending time with other people. I love that I can laugh at my own jokes. I love that I love so many people. I love that Sundays are important to me. I love that my best friend is four years old.
I love these things. Its taken me 21 years to do. I shouldn't mourn the fact that no one else loves those things as much as I think they should.
And that's why I don't like Valentine's Day.
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