On Faithfulness and Time,

I'm just like any other church kid in the fact that my late childhood and adolescent years were spotted with camp sessions and youth group nights. Many times, I believe, I gave my life to Christ just to make sure I did it right. If all of my friends were going to heaven than you could bet my life I would be hopping on that train as well.

Slowly, through high school, the decision I had initially made for social reasons became something a lot more than that. But this is not going to be about why I love my God, this is going to be an entry about how that love has changed.

I've been troubled in the past few months about why I seem to have lost that mountaintop aspect of my faith. It feels like I've traded in the joy for the doubt. Even in moments where I think I can just glimpse God on the horizon of my life, there is a voice in me thats screaming, "Why are you even doing this? How much longer are you going to make a fool of yourself! Open your eyes, stand up, and GO HOME!"

This is not something that is easy for me to admit because how can I truly be worshipping when I hold so much back, when I have so many reservations? No one talks about this, so it is inevitable that a young Christian girl would start to feel ashamed of it.

So I began to start seeking proof of my faith, of course. Whenever this voice got a little too loud I would beat it back with ideas like - "Well what about all those people who have had experiences like spiritual dreams?" or things like "All of these people must have a better reason to believe than I do, they must have seen something I am unaware of." or the worst "Well if God doesn't exist, how are all those priests casting out demons?"

But eventually these all fall through because humans, as well as human experiences, are unreliable and not something to base a lifestyle on. All of our senses can be tricked. We are not flawless. Someone can imagine they hear the ice cream truck, believe me it is not a stretch to believe they imagined the voice of God.

The only real proof I have of my faith is something that I have only now learned. I can believe because of time.

My God is great in his faithfullness. I may have been doubting the whole way, but I can now look back down the road from where I am and realize that my God has never left me. My life has not been the easy life I once believed it would be. But two facts remain-

It has never been too much for me to handle.


I have always had enough to get by. In all things, physically and emotionally.

This is a big realization for me. I may not have any proof of my God's existance on this side of glory. But so far, I have no reason to doubt my God, he has not let me down. Also, if I had to wager I guess, I don't think he is going to.