Also side note on how I am building up faith in myself as capable of functioning on my own.

Some days I cook for myself. NO SERIOUSLY.

There's about five things I can make and at least three of them involve eggs as the sole ingredient. So when I decide its too cold/wet/dark to walk up to campus for dinner I'm usually all about Chef Boyardee. Because its rarely any good but at least when I'm eating it I know why it's not very good. It's because its Chef Boyardee. Not because I screwed up a recipe.

But today, you know with the rain and everything, I looked at that can of Chef Boyardee and I was like, no. This shan't go on. I am hungry, and it is not for you.

So I decided I was going to cook for myself. And it was easy, it was cous cous. But you know what, I was sprinkling olive oil like I'd been doing it for YEARS. And then I was like, you know what would be good in this? BASIL. So I threw some basil in there.

(Oh, but I didn't buy that basil. I'm not that gourmet.)

And then all my housemates when to the gym and I had the whole house to myself. So I stretched out like some kind of feline women and felt so good about my home made dinner that I washed my dishes. By hand, like a person who has never owned a dishwasher.

And then I patted myself on the back and was like, "Congratualtions, you conquered winter."

Rain,

It's a Sunday and its raining. It's raining because today it is not cold enough to snow. Because it is raining and not cold enough to snow the bravest blades of grass have decided to take a leap of faith. They are poking their heads above ground. And we know that in a few more days the sun will drift farther away and more snow will come, but those blades of grass will die with honor.

We sit inside and allow ourselves to be illuminated by the television screen. We drink black coffee. We fill pages with things we are told are important. We will not remember them in a few months when the sunlight bleaches our memories of this winter.

Then she decided to stop dwelling on whether or not his feet knew they had almost touched hers under the table.

It's just one of those simple sad facts of life. That you can study the angles of bodies that people who adore each other will frequent, and yet nothing can ever be known for sure.

Especially not things concerned the emotions "like" and "dislike". Because we as people are too fickle to understand what we want, and too idealistic to see ourselves as fickle.

Plus there is the fact that you will almost always be the exception to any rule you decide to subscribe to.

Thought - this here record of mine has been in existence now for about a year. More or less.
More or less I'm dealing with the same crap now as I was then.
Primarily because I hold onto things. I don't give up on hopeless situations.
I am still, tragically, a "fixer".
I cannot walk away from a problem if I feel that I can do something to change it.

But there is so little growth in that. Lately a friend of mine has called me a sunflower because I pause on the path between buildings and stare as close to the sun as I can. Because its warm and bright which are two adjectives no one would use to describe western New York in the winter.

I need to start letting go. I need to start accepting the things I cannot change, but mostly I need to understand that the fact that some things don't change doesn't mean I did something wrong. It just means that's the way its supposed to be.

I need to starts accepting and then taking a breath and staring into the sun.

On Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday I made THIS,

Friday morning,

The state of my head today is distressed.

I've woken up each day this week with a sharp and unrelenting headache directly behind my eyes. My mountain of work keeps growing and it takes more and more effort to get myself out of bed to sit and WRITE or READ or STUDY.

This week is the week that separates the STUDENTS from the PUPILS or something equally inspiring. Its kind of disappointing that I can feel guilty about pausing for a half hour to watch my favorite TV show or celebrate a birthday.

And this head ache just won't go away.

Truthiness

The Song in my Head, on repeat,

I go to the rock of my salvation
I go to the stone that the builders rejected
I go to the mountain and the mountain stands for me
When all the earth is sinking sand
On Christ's solid rock I stand
When I need a shelter, when I need a friend
I go to the rock

Thoughts I Might Regret Posting,

My sister just sent me a message that said - "Your denial of true love disgusts me."

My sister, MY sister, my SISTER who for as long as I can remember has scoffed behind her hands at all of my imaginative fantasies and hopes for the future.

Its not as if I'm not reminded of it everywhere. All of it, the big huge EVERYTHING I try not to think about and try to ignore because its better for me. Healthier for me. Its good that I can find this safe ground of 'healthy' when I tend to get myself hurt. But am I finding the wrong place to finally set down my tent even if it may be the safer area?

Movies. Books. Television shows. Harry and Sally. Mia and Michael. Ross and Rachel.

Holy crap.

Its been a very long Monday,

I am feeling so restless. It's probably because I don't have any strong ties right now. Or maybe its because I have been so 'wanderful' over the past year and I can't exactly climax back to the way life once was.

The island has been interesting. As always I am shocked by how much I actually love being here. But it hasn't been as deep and tingly as it usually is. The island has been like an old shirt I missed while I was at school. I love so many things like the fact that "the island" sounds so wonderful on my tongue.

Its been a comfort because lately the future has been this huge oppressive enemy that marches on without any sense of compassion. But the island is always here, and the island will always be home. Its been good that no one is around to keep me company. Because one day, as we all follow the different paths we have, there may not be anyone around to keep me company.

A friend of mine said recently that it is a distinctly beautiful luxury to drive around in your own car and listen to your own music and be completely indulgently yourself.

The island will always allow me to do this. I don't need anyone in my car with me to do this. On the streets that I know. Plus, summer will always be coming, and with summer comes the heavy air that your air conditioner whines to cool and the crickets that sing to our souls in August.

I'm not even saying that the island is where my path will eventually take me, in fact I'd place bets that it won't. But my path can always intersect it, and it will always carry with it that which I can't find anywhere else.

I guess the point is, I didn't find comfort for my future in my present like I thought I would. I found it in my past.

The Love I do Have,

I can try to forget

how you once fit into my elbow. Falling

forward

until you’re caught.

It's good that you exist , because

you’re mess is constantly

under my feet, you ride your

bicycle in my sleep, forever

growing with ankles exposed,

and bearing some dirt on the

tip of your nose.

(Yeah, I wrote that.)